Pregnant and Quarantine

At night baby asks for warmth. My own hands aren't warm enough to satisfy my belly so I've allowed Kiki in my bed the past few nights so that I can press my stomach against her warm body as we all three fall asleep. Really I feel like baby is asking for Kiki anyway. She knows me well enough, she is inside of me after all. She wants to know everyone else.

We know one another through our heart beats. The heart is after all the first cell that forms. Isn't this what it truly means to know?

I believe in modern society we've confused wisdom with intellect. To me, true knowing doesn't exist in the mind, it exists in the heart. The mind can facilitate the experience of comprehension, but it is the experience itself that teaches.

We can change our minds in an instant. In an instant I can think one thousand thoughts. We don't change our hearts so easily. At least, we ought not to. Our hearts are more fixed than our minds think they are. Our hearts belong to our souls; our minds belong to our bodies. The consciousnesses of the mind will go back to dust when we die. It is only the consciousnesses of our hearts that we take with us back into the spirit realm.

We forget that death is rebirth; that Heaven is a place called Earth. The irony, the place we think we go when we die is actually where we are when we are alive. Alive, that is, in physical form.

We come here to learn how to redeem ourselves again. We come here, not for acquisition of status or material, but to evolve our spiritual vessels. We evolve ourselves through love. For love is what we forgot that we are, and that is why we came: to remember ourselves again.

My mother died suddenly in 1998. She was 41. I was eight. She died of an aneurysm in her brain. I found her passed out half naked on her bathroom floor, writhing and gushing sweat from every pore on her body from her head to her toes as she struggled to stay alive, moaning, wrestling her own pain. I witnessed as angels came to her aid in these moments before the ambulance came and took her away, though they weren't there with us in the hearse that took us to her grave.

Now this year in 2020, I am 30 years old and experiencing my first pregnancy. It's strange, becoming a mother and recognizing how far removed from my own mother I now feel after 22 years apart. I am so excited to be a mother! Though I am not going to lie, I was not trying to get pregnant.

I never thought this would ever happen to me, being single and being with child. I know I am the creator of my own reality, but I can't help but feel the divine orchestration that this little being inside of me conducted to choose each of us as her mother and father and bring us together to incarnate into this new physical reality.

I realized I was pregnant about four or five weeks into the pregnancy. I couldn't go on a camping trip to Waipio Valley with my friends because the morning we were leaving I started throwing up. I vomited violently every morning for the next few days until one night I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test that was positive. The next day I bought a pregnancy test and took it the following morning. It was positive.

I was in shock and flooded with emotion but deeper still in the fibers of my being I knew I would carry this child that had conceived in me. I already felt so much love and protection over my womb space and this miracle taking place inside of my body. Later that morning while doing yoga outside I was in a downward dog and my friend told me she could see a rainbow around my hips. After we stretched I went to take a shower and in the light of the sun shining through the mist of the water I could also see a rainbow circling around my hips.

This was the sign I needed to confirm that my journey was blessed, that this child is meant to be birthed by me. The soul of this little being forming in my womb was already radiating visible rainbow frequencies.

I went to my land to pray beneath my flowering avocado tree. When I got there I saw that the blossoms had turned to baby avocados on the tree. In prayer I offered a vial of river water I collected in India from the Ganga to the base of the avocado tree. A black and white butterfly appeared and fluttered all around me. I have never seen a butterfly like this one before in my life. There was something very ethereal about its presence. In the weeks prior, for three days a black and white Polish chicken appeared and became my companion as I worked my land. She let me hold her and she jumped up onto my shoulder like an eagle, even refusing to come down after I had had enough. I fell in love with her. I had to spend the next few days away and when I returned, she was gone. I couldn't believe how terribly I could miss a chicken that I'd only known for three days. She brought me so much joy and peace and balance, through her symbology of yin and yang. When the butterfly came, I felt her spirit totem had transformed to offer me the same message, the beauty and harmony and necessity of balanced duality on this physical plane.

My intuition tells me this child has chosen a feminine form, which is why I've been referring to her as she. I haven't had a check up yet and I haven't decided whether I will find out the gender formally before birth. Already, this pregnancy has taught me so much about listening to and trusting my body over my mind, on an entirely new and heightened level than I have ever experienced. After all, it's not just my voice but also now my child's voice that speaks from within me. I believe this is how we as women will restore our divine feminine energy, to live from this place of knowing rather than thinking.

I share my process to honor my self and my needs as I navigate this new realm of being. I'm thrilled to be becoming a new mother, but at times I am still overwhelmed knowing I am doing this without a partner. I am learning a whole new way of being and relating, not only within and to myself but within and to the world around me, my community. I need support. In this process of growing and birthing my child, I feel I am also growing and birthing a newer version of me. I choose this path because although my mind wants me to think I am not in a position to have a baby, my heart knows better and wiser, that this is the highest way for my own soul to continue its evolutionary journey; to know love and to embody love more fully.

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