Last week I experienced a shamanic alchemical hypnotherapy session with Hajjar Gibran. I met Hajjar here on the Big Island, and upon learning that The Prophet by his great uncle Kahlil Gibran was my favorite book, he gifted me a copy of his book The Return of the Prophet in the spirit of our newfound friendship. Upon opening the pages of his book, it seemed we shared the theme of death as catalysts for our own personal spiritual awakenings, his brother’s and my mother’s passing.
Before our session began I explained to him briefly what I was seeking. I was called to Hawai’i for a multitude of reasons, getting space from my divorce, processing my twin flame connection, seeking to live a more sustainable lifestyle, seeking to be closer to my mother’s sisters who I had never really gotten to know until now, and trying to make sense of the purpose of my relationships with each of them. I had spent the majority of my adolescence consciously communing with God to heal the loss of my mother, and I had also spent those years and more, subconsciously blocking the wounds of abuse I endured from my stepmother. As a child I was so psychologically manipulated into taking on this abuse as my own source of shame, that I never shared what I was going through with anyone, and silenced myself to carry these burdens alone. We set the intention to connect with the Divine Mother as a guide for our journey.
As we began the session I quickly drifted away to the sound of his voice as Hajjar guided me into a deep sleep-like state, and though I could hear his voice I was no longer making out the meanings of his words until I heard him ask, “Where are you now?” Regaining consciousness with this question, for a moment I felt disoriented and slightly embarrassed, as if I had fallen asleep in class and woken up to the teacher asking a question and wondering, how long was I out for?
”I’m in a garden,” I answered. I was surrounded by green growth and I could feel the light and warmth of the sun upon my skin. Calling in the presence of the Divine Mother, he asked me if she was present and I replied, “Yes, she is here. She is here in me.” And so Divine Mother came not as a separate entity but as a presence embodied within my own being. With this connection to Her, merged as one, she took me out of the garden and into the house I grew up in.
I found myself with Divine Mother in the downstairs bathroom. My mom was in a coma in the hospital and my dad was with her, and my house was filled with several strangers, adults from my parent’s church community. They were filling up our house with airs of self-importance, as if their being there made them heroes of my family’s tragedy. Not one of them paid any attention to me, or showed me any care or compassion. They were treating me as if I were a clueless child, really just ignoring me altogether, as if I didn’t have the capacity to understand what was happening, when I was the one who had found my mother passed out on her bathroom floor, when I was the one with whom she spent her last conscious moments of life as I witnessed her soul transition out of her body back into the spirit world. I hated these self-important adults filling our house and locked myself into the bathroom because I felt so alone. Revisiting this memory now with the loving presence of Divine Mother, I gave myself a hug and healed this moment of aloneness with all that I had needed; to be held.
Divine Mother took me out of the house to go see my father who was in the hospital with my mom. He couldn’t see the presence of Divine Mother in me, but rather saw me as I was, his eight-year-old daughter. I could feel his soul drowning in despair and pain as he blamed himself for my mother’s death and for years to come punished himself accordingly. I gave him a hug and cried out to him, telling him how much I needed him. I expressed to him that all I wanted to do with him was play and have fun together, that the loss of mom did not mean we had to give up on our own joy as a family. I could feel my father’s pain rooted even deeper than my mother’s death, and I was taken back even further into his own childhood longings of his father’s love. I healed my father as I saw him as a child filled with awe and wonder for the universe, restoring his own connection with God as Divine Father.
I let my dad know it was time for me to go and Divine Mother took me to the creek near the house I grew up in. There were several instances where my stepmother physically attacked me when my dad and brother weren’t home, and I would run away to this creek and wade in the waters to wash away my tears and blood. As I stood in the creek the water began speaking to me, letting me know that it held living memory of my being there, and that the water itself was with me in those times and I was never alone. The minnows in the water swam to my feet and also spoke to me, reminding me that we are one family, that they too were with me in these times of sorrow and that I too belong in the water. They reminded me that our source is the sea, and told me to go there. Instantly I was submerged beneath the surface of the ocean, in a state of deep rest. Divine Mother held me there underwater for some time, allowing me to gain strength for what would be the most integral part of this journey.
She plunged me out of the ocean and into a past life memory where I was a school girl in Korea. I was of a high social class and the most popular girl in school. It was lunchtime and I was standing in a crowd of classmates, basking in the glory of my status and the adoration and attention it brought me. My stepmother was one of my schoolmates. She was younger than I was, of a lower social class, not very bright and outcast as a nobody. She was swallowed by the pain of not being seen or accepted. Though I never did anything to directly hurt her in that lifetime, my indifference to her, my lack of compassion, my pride and prejudice, and my own airs of superiority, still hurt her directly. Her pain caused by my lack of acceptance turned into bitter envy and jealousy, and though I am not justifying her actions as an adult abusing me as a child in this lifetime, I could understand now from a soul perspective that this was why she attacked me.
I began sobbing uncontrollably as I relived this past life memory. I was crying, not because of the hurt she inflicted upon me in this lifetime, but because of the pain I could feel she had endured in this past life we had shared together, because of the pain I had caused her. My heart was ripped open with compassion for her sense of aloneness, as I had revisited and healed the memories of aloneness from my own childhood on this same journey. In crying I was able to forgive myself for my lack of compassion in that lifetime, and in forgiving myself I was able to finally understand the source of our shared wounding, and forgive my stepmother for hurting me in this one.
I healed this past life wound by sitting with my stepmom at lunch, accepting and including her instead of ignoring and excluding her, and being her friend in the past life rather than an indifferent mean girl. I projected in the future of our current lives and brought her flowers and allowed myself to become a source of love and acceptance for her to experience, releasing all of the resentments I had built up against her abuse of me.
Through this experience I have gained a much deeper understanding of the true meaning of compassion, and how we are never truly apart or separate from anyone else, how from a soul perspective, usually those who hurt us the most do so because they are only showing us how we have hurt ourselves first in this way, and hurt others in this way. When others show us our weaknesses, however painful it may be at the time, we can bless them for teaching us how we can grow wiser and become stronger in these places. In no way am I justifying abuse, but rather than assume a role as a victim and perpetuate this cycle of wounding, taking this journey into my subconscious and into this past life memory, I can see now that I was pained and wounded because in the past I myself had been a source of pain and wounding. I am reminded that we are all only energy; energy that is neither created nor destroyed, but transformed and, with loving intention, transmuted.
For two days after this session I experienced debilitating pain in my neck and shoulders as such immense energy began its release out of my physical body. As I continue on this healing journey, I am reminded to show compassion to myself as I extend this compassion onto others, as other-selves. Thank you for joining me on this journey as we continue to liberate ourselves from the illusions of fear and separation and in unity awaken to the Love that which we already are.